Damn, that racket. It is indeed abusing my calmness. Like the neighbour above me is trying to bring the roof down on my head on purpose.
You think he is getting laid? Well, we should all be so lucky. I don't hear any voices at all though, just banging like he is trying to break through the cemented floor. It is a he after all is it not? I think it is. Don't remember the last time I saw them. Could just as well be a she.
Still no voices. I never hear a voice. Seems the only thing they are capable of doing is making needless noises and bursting out of the building late night early morning slamming the door behind just to wake us all up. Then again, who am I kidding? Who am I to complain? I barely sleep at night anyway.
"Get some sun" the doctors said. Yeap. I have been a creature of the night longer than I can remember this time round. I hardly can recall the sun and the last time I went for a walk outside.
That racket is quite annoying though. Breaking my concentration. And just when I was finally in the zone. It's been some days over a week now since my first work after such a long time, and I simply can't stop. Like I opened the gate to something. That first shot of darkness and the flickering being beyond was the beginning of it all, so if I can humour myself and have someone to blame for my absurd schedule it will be that flicker afterall. Now I can't stop digging deeper and deeper into it. Very just timing it seems, the neighbour is kind enough at my high to abuse my inspiration with all that banging and clatter.
There are ways around it, I will simply compromise to adapt. The headphones sure do help block out all that noise. It might not be the complete calm and peaceful silence I wanted, but at least I got that annoying noise out of my ears and blocked out.
There goes the stomach growling strange things at me, I think its more angry than hungry. I should order now before midnight comes. Before every last delivery service in this town closes for the day... but I think I can postpone it just a little more. Just a little. This is new piece is great. I love it. Can't stop now. Just a little more.
There is a cave entrance, and I got the rock surface around it just right I think. Not so much the clay mud of a normal ground, it is more rocky and edgy than usual. Sharp at points like the jaws of a mouth, with few here and there blunted out and curved to make way for entry at points without risk of cutting ones flesh and bleeding out inside the cave.
Within the cave, darkness. A hand is right there just beyond the opening of the cave, some small distance behind the fall of the shadow, like reaching out and climbing from within, but at the same time afraid of the light. Deeper still, within the shadow, if one is careful, a disfigured creature can be made out climbing out of that dark cave or perhaps waiting for one to walk in. Within and beyond that entrance lies the deep below, all the horrors of the unknown.
The last pieces of art I made were all of me... or at least, the character I created more or less in a way to represent me. And in each piece put together, he, or I, come closer to this very cave. It all leads to here.
It started with a flicker lurking in the shadow of my apartment. Perhaps more a shadow of a shadow. Taunting me and daring me for the start of a journey to the beyond. The next piece is the figure walking in the streets, this shadow has claimed hold of the character, and is lurking within the cracks of walls and the stone pavements bellow, whispering and beckoning still to try and bend his will to its own. Then the woods. This shadow from beyond has managed a way to find me and haunt me, in time it takes control of me almost subconsciously, and here within the woods more things lurk within the depths of each darkly lit spot than just the absence of light.
In the next piece I stand before a dark cave. The entrance to another world. I almost got the posture of a dazed character in trance perfect here, like he was brought to this spot absent thought and control of his own senses. Here lies, the entrance to that other world. All aligned to bring the main character to this last piece. It all falls in place, a story in progression. As though that first flicker beckoned me all along to find this gateway. A cave in the most secluded and forlorn part of the woods. All that now remains is to explore what lies within.
Done! This is the stuff of which myths are born man, wow! I impress myself sometimes. Sure I have my downs and they last longer than usual, too long perhaps. But then from a small something, a pure nothing perhaps it seems, all this unfolds. I can now imagine of entire worlds within that cave and what races and creatures lurk there. I simply can't wait to get the point of depicting them, drawing them and painting them alike. Not much of paint, as it is all mostly black and white. Absent of colour to this point is much more suitable. The cave is were new and unknown colours will be revealed.
All falling to place with elder gods and new, the young and old souls, others trapped others lost and others right where they should be in the place that birthed them to existence, their home. The depths of darkness.
My mind is conjuring entire ancient civilizations made of giants and disfigured disfigured beings. I sense a lot of Lovecraft in this new work of mine. His canvas was the depths of the sea, mine the depths of Earth. Sounds fitting enough. I can't wait to paint it all to life.
So taken by it all I barely notice the racket now. I don't even notice the music in my ears. But now that I am done and I return to a more conscious state the headphones suddenly become too loud to bear, and the music distracting. I take them off. Silence. That nuisance of a neighbour has probably gone to sleep.
Shit, it's way past midnight. Well it looks like its just toasted bread and perhaps a sandwich for me today then off to bed.
That is strange. Burger and fries right there on the kitchen table. Did I order and forget? I am confused as though a lapse in my memory came about me. Was I so taken by my work that I blurred everything else out? When did the bell ring? When did the food arrive? I guess in my obsession I simply opened the door, payed, lay the food to rest on the table and got to my computer and right back to my work. I can't recall though, it is more my imagination trying to fill in the gaps at this point rather than memory.
Can't complain, at least its not just toasted bread for tonight. I can question my sanity later, first thing is first, as I need to answer the questioning growl of my stomach for now before anything else.
Think I'm going to just take it down and enjoy it by the window, gazing outside at the cold moonlit streets. It is always cold it seems here. I barely remember sun nor day nor warmth. Not too crowded of a street and beyond some buildings I can see parts of the wharf and the sea beyond. Just enough to make the sight pleasant enough and break away from buildings over buildings. I like this town. I think that is the first time I ever came to that conclusion. I always saw it as some forgotten dumpster at the edge of nowhere. Perhaps it is growing on me. Its the little things they say. Perhaps they are right.
And this burger? Sublime! Mmmm. That is a days worth of work right there being payed off.
As I chew and swallow and my taste buds dance to a mouthful of bliss by attention is slightly compromised from the mouthwatering bites before me to the sounds of footsteps climbing down the stairs of our apartments. There he goes again, I think.
Each bite filled with melting joy, my eyes are glued to the street below. The building door slams... but no one takes to the streets yet again. Strange.
I cling to the burger as I push against the window, maybe he walked off right below the windows ledge and the building barely lets me see him. Still nothing though. Guess I missed him again. Man, this burger is working wonders. As I fill my void I feel my eyes get heavy. Its working, and a full stomach now beckons me to rest. I think its time I called it a night again.
I take one last glance at the last work I put together. Dark, ominous, shiveringly frightening. I love it. Needless to say I don't bother posting any of it anymore. It will be all revealed when completed if at all. I had forgotten what it was like to create for me and my own alone and I am really enjoying it again to say the least. As I gaze through my latest works I find that old sense creep over me of finding ones self.
I notice a consistency. Hmm. That's strange. My character, or me, has no face in any of my paintings.
I can't remember if I did it subconsciously or if I planned on it. Maybe I am still figuring out the character? Perhaps I will leave it like that to the end revealing a face that was never meant to be seen. I like that too. Puts the viewer right in the shoes of the character more directly.
And sure enough, like the party pooper it is as always, that bright flicker at the edge of my eyes returns warning me that I strained myself too much once more. I humour myself now, makes the loneliness less lonely I guess. And I talk back to it.
"Yes I know, time to go to bed right? So kind of you to always remind me to keep me on track..."
Enough for one day. I head off straight to bed. No need to try and put myself to sleep this time. I'm going to hit the sack like a log and simply fade away. Perks of a completed working day. It takes it out of you, it satisfies you, to the point that you simply float away to dreams happily ever after.
A mythos is being born, I can feel it. And with that my last thoughts of my fading senses dwell on the question of what I will call it... I am gone far beyond the sleep of sleeps, content, satisfied, a little more complete.
